Inside the Secret Facebook Group Where Women Review Men They’ve Dated

There aren’t any single good men around living in New York City. This is what everybody keeps telling us. And when Deanna* moved to the city near the end of 2021 It was her turn examine if any truth to the assertion. Being single since her boyfriend of three years broke up with her through Snapchat, Deanna joined Hinge and Tinder. At the same time when a group on Facebook known as Are We Dating the same Guy NYC was announced as a recommended follow. The group had an intense survey prior to screening and guidelines for the community which served as a barrier to entry. It was also four-and-a-half million members strong. Deanna was intrigued, so she joined.

The community

The community was created in the exact purpose to help women determine if their romantic prospects were seeing others – was founded in March 2022. The majority of major US city has one of these groups now and the rules for all are simple: Everyone can write anonymously, without doxxing or sharing sensitive data, and in no way can screenshots leave the group. There is no bullies, no victim-blaming or blaming others for the actions of another. Never inform a man that he’s been posted in the group. Following the scandal on the heels of West Elm Caleb, a man with whom many women in New York shared negative dating experiences and linked the dots on the internet, it appeared that a lot of women were searching for a way of seeking out others who had similar experiences to.by link datingfortodaysman website As one TikTok user had to say during the day This is why we need an app where we can leave reviews of guys we’ve dated on Hinge.

That’s more or less the way this group was before Deanna joined. Each edition of Are We Dating the Same Guy can be used as a place for women who seek advice about their relationships or warn about people with whom they’ve had poor dating experiences. Loyalty-testing long-term boyfriends-that is, the practice of sending out other women to attract them on social media is also a trend. It’s all too easy to slip into a rabbit down a rabbit hole of screenshotted Hinge profiles, tales of hookups that went wrong, and memes of the flaws of modern-day dating. Many of the most popular posts contain photos that show a man wearing his first name, and asking if anybody has matched with or dated the person who is concerned. Red-flag emoji are a frequent display on small but alarming posts warning the group of an ex or bad experience, often accompanied with the downward arrow and the depressing text See comments for more info.

Online dating has dominated our options in recent years the last few years, with one study revealing that approximately 39% of heterosexual couples met their partners online. So it’s only natural the romantic component of romance would adapt to the digital age. Instead of chatting with few friends over a drink or chatting with colleagues, we are seeking advice from 43,000 women who have experienced similar – and sometimes precisely the same experiences.

It’s demystified this idea that dating is easier for some women than it is for others, says Ellie * another group member. Not to suggest there’s no privileges that exist, but it was certainly helpful for me in terms of reframing my notion of dating. It’s not about competing between women but holding men to a higher standards than what I was used to before.

It’s obvious to me that certain of the behaviors which is encouraged and supported in Are We the Dating the Same Guy could be concerning if displayed by potential suitors. Photos, private conversations and screenshots thrown up without the other party’s consent or knowledge are a plethora of. The public is able to search social media profiles on a near daily basis. And it’s not that difficult for a partner to get to be the center of attention. While Deanna is a fan of being part of the group, she’s got a few reservations. Sometimes you see people posting ‘If he wanted to, he would’ about paying for things or picking you up in an Uber, she states. But I’m thinking you’ll run into the problem where it’s an echo chamber of men have kept pushing us for so long, we’re going to take it back.

We still live in an age of patriarchy

It is a patriarchal society-so until we’re truly equal this online interaction will differ in the reverberations based upon each person’s background. Even so, can a group like this truly be an active source of empowerment on one side of the coin and deplorable incel horror on the other? Are We Dating the Same Guy? is hyperlocal and inter-personal-only for those who live and have a relationship in the town the group is based in. The women, as well as the people they talk about, could be your neighbor colleague, coworker’s friend, family member, or even your most latest Hinge match. But there’s a lack of personalization that happens when you use the internet, making everything feel like something you play. It’s not an unreasonable idea to suggest that this is an insult to the dates in both groups, especially when details of private chats, private messages including photos, are being shared with no knowledge or consent, sometimes in the name of entertainment.